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As we get older, sex should still be an important part of our lives. I really don't use the word "should" too much but it's kinda crucial here.
Not only does it improve our connection to our partner/mate and gives us pleasure (pleasure is not a dirty word by the way), but it's also vital for our health, wellbeing and longevity*.
*According to a study found in psychoneuroendocrinology, having sex once a week may increase the length of your telomeres (telomeres are an important part of your DNA and play a role in the ageing process - the shorter they become, the more reduced a persons lifespan can be.
Lifespan is longevity and relationship longevity is also growing old together.
The downside of Busy
With everything that we all seem to have on our plates these days and how busy our lives have become, sometimes sex might be the last thing on our mind and this is completely understandable - especially when you are tired!
It just take a little planning, spontaneity and effort to get things going in the sexy department again...
Calendarise/Schedule Sex
Oh gosh this may sound so "organised" or even kind of boring but trust me, when things are scheduled and planned for ahead of time or a regular date or night is set, it is more likely to happen! It also gives you both something to look forward to. Maybe you and your partner don't need to schedule sex and that is awesome but don't knock it for it might be just what another couple needs to fire things up again.
No Right or Wrong
There is no right or wrong amount of times or frequency for having sex, it will differ from couple to couple, there is no set rule here, it's just whatever works for you both. Don't get down on yourself/yourselves if you only have sex once in a while, it's ok. Ideally once a week is best from a longevity perspective but this won't work for everyone.
Something is better than nothing!
Sexual Creatures
Whether younger or older, human beings are sexual creatures by nature, it's how we create life so it's kind of hardwired into us. It's just that the modern pace of life with all its distractions and responsibilities can often put a dampener on things.
Sexual desire and the need to feel desired is completely normal and healthy and ok. Anyone saying the opposite, well that could just be their own belief system and you don't have to take that on. Sex is healthy and desire is too!
Communication
Communication in all of our relationships is super important but none more so than with your partner/mate. Let's face it, as much as we think we can read their minds, we cannot so establishing mutual communication is vital.
Being honest, setting boundaries, expectations, talking about feelings, saying sorry or accepting an apology, talking things through, planning and scheduling, words of affirmation etc. are all areas of communication.
Have a Break from Technology
We spend so much time (often too much time) on our screens and gadgets, neglecting the ones that matter the most (guilty as charged)! It's about being conscious of time spent on technology and reducing time here where possible.
Though social media, online forums etc can feel like connection (and on some level it is), it will never bring you true fulfilment and happiness like spending quality time with your loved one can. 👫👭👬
Together, make the time and effort away from screens and gadgets by communicating and sticking to your guns!
Technology can be very addictive because it releases the brain neurotransmitter - Dopamine. This is the chemical that plays a role in pleasure and according to SITN - Harvard University:
"Studies are beginning to show links between smartphone usage and increased levels of anxiety and depression, poor sleep quality, and increased risk of car injury or death".
When I look at this and break it down it goes something like this:
- Higher levels of anxiety & depression = more stress and a poorer state of health
- Poor sleep quality = poor functioning on the whole and poorer decisions and poorer health and vitality
- Increased risk of car injury or death - possibly due to distraction while driving or tiredness due to lack of sleep??
Ok, so I know it seems we got a little off track but it all ties in to the message above of being on devices less and spending more time with your loved one. This just highlights the absolute importance of conscious device usage.
What Can I do to Bring Back the Spark?
When we've been with the same person for awhile (or decades for others), naturally the sparks can fade as we grow comfortable and familiar. It just takes a little effort, time and creativity to feel passion again...
Romance can help but so can doing nice things for each other - nice things, kind words can go along way. See the following suggestions for enhancing your love.
Tips to Enhance Your Love
- Find out each other's love language. You can take a quiz online (just google 'The 5 Love Languages Quiz' and take the test. Trust me in this one, doing this alone can enhance your love and relationship because when you know how to love each other (the way each other needs to feel loved), you strengthen the bond. When we love our mate how we think they need to be loved they might actually feel unloved and this can lead to relationship breakdown and problems in the bedroom. Go to the 5 Love Languages for more info. I have the audiobook and it has been wonderful for mine and my husbands relationship. 👫
- Designate a regular date night (or date day) it doesn't matter so much the time or activity, but rather the time spent together connecting. NO PHONES ALLOWED either!
- Express gratitude for all the things your partner does - even the small things, they matter! We all like to feel appreciated and when we feel appreciated, we feel more content and happier. I don't think we can ever say "thank you", "you're doing a great job" etc. too many times!
- Let go of the past. Letting go of anything your partner said or did (as long as it's not abuse), is really important because holding onto grudges leads to resentment and resentment is toxic in a relationship and for your sex life!
- Show affection: Most humans enjoy it when our mate shows us some affection, this could be a touch, a kiss, tickles or a meaningful hug. Touch is also very healing and connecting.
- Eye gazing: This can seem like a rather intimidating thing to do if you and your partner have never deeply gazed into each others eyes but I guarantee if you give it a try (while making love is the perfect time), you will feel such a deeper connection to one another. Connection makes us feel more fulfilled overall.
- Learn each others boundaries: We all need to set boundaries with people- this includes our partner/mate. This means also, you must respect theirs. This can mean your/their availability or how you/they like to be treated when upset (approached or left alone), do they need space in the morning or evening to process things in their mind. Maybe they have an area or a place they like to go to do this. The same goes for you. Setting boundaries comes about through proper communication. Talk to each other and express your needs and vice versa. Then be sure to honour each others needs.
- Say sorry: If you have done something wrong by your partner (like said something hurtful) don't be afraid to apologise - it may even bring you closer together (depending on what you're apologising for of course). If your partner did something wring and they have trouble saying sorry, be sure to let them know how this feels and how much an apology would mean to you. Communication is key again!
- Fill Up Your Cup: If you are depleted, how can you expect to be full of love and passion for your mate? It's very unlikey and when you do give from this place of depletion, it's often from either guilt, resentment or sheer exhaustion! Take time each week to do something that you enjoy (apart from sex haha), choose activities that bring joy, uplift you and add to your life. Getting a massage, taking a bath, nature walks, hiking, ocean swims (if you're blessed to live near a beach), reading, meditating, surfing, dancing, cooking or whatever it is for you.
- Boost Your Libido Naturally: this is a big one! And below, we will leave some of the best tips for boosting libido for you and your mate.
- Use a natural lubricant to increase pleasure: As women age, we can tend to not have as much lubrication due to the changing levels of hormones so it can be a great idea to invest in a good-quality natural lubricant. Try to find a natural one without the harmful chemicals (these chemicals can disrupt the vaginal microbiome)
- Reduce stress
- Eat more cacao (read our "love Chocolates" blog here)
- Limit alcohol
- Eat oysters (zinc helps to produce sex hormones) Desiccated Liver also contains zinc!
- Get sleep (read our epic sleep blog here)
- Build trust with each other
- Take potentially libido-enhancing* supplements such as Organic Cordyceps
- See a doctor if you're concerned as their may be an underlying medical issue that needs to be addressed.
We hope you enjoyed this article today and it helps you to find the passion you may be seeking? 💋
References:
https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/g19060819/best-natural-lubes/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4112289/
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/316241#zinc-ED
https://www.healthline.com/health/boost-your-libido-10-natural-tips#The-natural-approach
https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-dopamine#1
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4791983/
Disclaimer: the information in this article is intended purely as information and not health advice. It is not intended to treat, diagnose, prevent or cure and one should always seek expert advice from their trusted health practitioner.
